So I'm getting ready to make my Christmas wreath and I'm wondering whether there's someplace I can get organic pine cones and I go to check it out with my No. 1 eco-tipper Umbra and OMFG SHE'S BEEN KIDNAPPED!

That's right, they've absconded with Umbra. Yes ... they. Word has it they're making her eat from styrofoam and throw bottles in the trash. They're even threatening to make her write her next column on the benefits of liquid coal! For the love of God, don't let it happen.

Her captors won't let her go until at least 2,000 of her fans have chipped in for her release. Do you love Umbra? Do you want to save her from eternal damnation ... to the exurbs?

Please, if you have a heart (and a need for green advice), send us some ransom money.

Or do you want to figure out what to do with your own fireplace ash? I didn't think so.

Save Umbra. Support independent media. Give us a few bucks. I'll personally send you an eco-friendly thank you card, as soon as Umbra's back to tell me how.